Courtesy of Marie Currie
Trotting out these gender stereotypes is an effective way to escalate a fight or shut the other person down.
Gender myths and stereotypes tend to be propagated when individuals get defensive. Why? Well, for one thing, it is a clever distancing tool. Addititionally, it is polarizing and can derail and split conversation off into a completely different realm. What are your choices when the distancing tool is used?
First off, identify the process. Psychology courses teach process versus content or communication versus meta communication. Learn how to separate these two. Ask yourself “what is really going on here?” Secondly, choose whether or not you are going to chase it off onto it’s own rabbit trail and allow yourself to be derailed. Here are some myths and some debunking of those myths, which can be recalled to help get you out of the weeds and back onto the original track, when in a heated disagreement.
Myth: All women do is talk! Why can’t we just sit in silence, like I do with other men?
TRUTH: Men tend to talk when they are passionate about something. Women tend to talk to relieve anxiety, blow off steam, and tend to be socialized to do so. One way to look at this is, to consider the emotional discussion as almost a taboo, for men. Trotting this out for casual sorting and sifting, can potentially be more terrifying than death. For men to talk about feelings, men need to feel safe, and without fear of criticism.
Myth: Men don’t feel anything, don’t hear, don’t listen, don’t get it! His silence means he just doesn’t care.
TRUTH: I can attest from the men and women, entering my office, men feel a tremendous amount and do not want to suffer needlessly. The often craft protective barriers. One way to conceptualize this tendency, is to consider a tremendous amount of investment in the relationship and the tendency toward shutting down is actually a mechanism to help save the relationship. In other words, he is exquisitely sensitive to you, invested, and does not want to lose you!
Myth: Women have steel traps for memories, just hanging onto the past. But me? I let it go. I get over it. Quickly!
TRUTH: All genders utilize and display an affinity for hanging on to wounds long gone by. See the blog post “Face the Fear.” While discussing the walls and removing the armor, piece by piece, sometimes stories emerge, of wounds done dirty – 20 years years prior! Often a resolve is put in place, at this point. “I will never ever be hurt like that again!!!!!” This resolve is universal and the depth of potential for wounding, is also universal.
Myth: Women are too emotional.
TRUTH: Men can be just as impetuous and compulsive, as women. Consider the emotional purchasing of a an off roading vehicle, that is suddenly placed upon a credit card! This emotional dysregulation is a human thing, rather than a gender thing, and can be unhealthy for both.
Why then do these myths continue to propagate? Who are they serving?
Trotting out these gender stereotypes is an effective way to escalate a fight or shut the other person down. Anything can be used to derail a conversation and take it from it’s process into the content. It is also a way to move the relationship away from conflict resolution.
When I’ve asked couples what their method is for conflict resolution, I often get blank stares. Sometimes I’ll hear “we don’t have any.” Not having any, can be a method of conflict resolution, called “avoidance.” No couple is a clone of itself, with identical thoughts, feelings, and opinions. Inherently, we are different and navigating those differences is a healthy part of any relationship. Does this mean full blown cataclysmic throw downs? It doesn’t have to. Disagreeing does not have to equate to fighting or damaging one another. Often, those raised without healthy role models automatically leap to this conclusion. Consequently, some partners long to avoid it and keep the peace, at all costs. Little do they know, disagreeing can actually strengthen a relationship!
By identifying a “derailment” in a discussion, choosing whether or not to take the bait, and learning how to disagree without harming your partner, you will add exponential enjoyment to your relationship.
