Courtesy of Marie Currie

Attempts to force, control, and contain another will only serve to lessen the likelihood of our desired results.

How do we really, genuinely, authentically, change? (How do we get our partners to do the same?)

The process of change comes in a variety of forms. One form, is physical change. We are all going to go through this, whether we welcome it or not. Another is behavioral change. We do have control over our behaviors, no matter how we feel in a given moment. “She made me throw that lamp” is not a viable rationale. When it comes to something like addiction, a common phrase utilized in kicking a substance, is “white knuckling” or forcing oneself to stop using. I picture someone sitting in a chair, gripping onto the armrests, knuckles and fingers literally white. Without a corresponding internal shift, the white knuckling almost always gives way to caving in and returning to the old way of operating.

Another form of change is not so readily visible, as it is internal. Over time, significant others will notice this internal alteration, as our behaviors, moods, and words will invariably reveal what is truly going on inside of us. Cognitive behavioral theorists talk about thoughts affecting feelings, which affect behaviors. Change your thoughts, so the theory goes, you ultimately change your behavior.

This sounds straightforward enough. Why, then, is it seemingly so difficult to do? Why do so many people repeatedly blow out of relationships, mess up with one more DUI, or get fired from jobs, despite warning after warning after warning? Why won’t our partners do what we want?

I think a big part of the equation involves a motivation for change. A big catch phrase in the therapy world is “pain is a great motivator” or “that person’s not in enough pain, yet, in order to genuinely change.” So in the case of a relationship, that is struggling, and a partner asks repeatedly, please stop doing behavior (x,y,z) but does not follow this request up with any sort of natural consequence, what motivation does said partner have to change? If it seems like nothing will happen, should the undesirable behavior continue, why stop? Human nature loves to behave as the perpetual adolescent, pushing the boundaries, just to see what we can get away with.

In addition, human beings do not tend to like to be told what to do. “You are not the boss of me” and so forth. Many of us get the pleasure of observing this attitude’s evolution in children, starting around age two. If we choose to change and decide to change of our own volition, we will. Not a moment before. This is part of the beauty of the gift of free will. Without knowing exactly why, we cling to it fiercely. We, at times, hate it in others, but it is a human birthright.

Operating under the illusion that we can change each other, is just that, illusion, which can lead to boatloads of frustration. Our partners may choose to respond to our promptings and we do teach and train others how to treat us, but typically not successfully through directive coercion. Attempts to force, control, and contain another will only serve to lessen the likelihood of our desired results. In short, we tend resist change, when it is forced upon us.

The process of change does not occur magically, by the way. Going to sleep, hoping something is different in the morning, and repeating, does not a successful formula make. We’ve got to take stock of ourselves and our situation, recognize what it is we want to alter, talk it through, and very importantly, work it through. We can read books, write journals, hope, pontificate, and ask for guidance, but we must ultimately tune in to what is driving inside of us, to swashbuckle our individual path to lasting results.

Additionally, we need one another for support. If there is an area that you struggle with changing and those around you seem uninterested or unsupportive, this is going to make it difficult for your change to last. Consider finding other like mindeds, who want what you want.

I guarantee, if you change, the ripple effect will impact your partner, and the relationship dynamic will change. It may not move in the direction you desire, but you’ll have a heck of a better chance, than directly attempting to impose your will, no matter how beautiful and well intentioned, on another.